Happy ho ho holidays


It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two presents. I arrived home not even half an hour ago and already I’m completely stressed out. Everyone’s in a happy-go-lucky mood and I’m sitting here, trying to do at least a halfway decent job at wrapping up presents that nobody needs, nobody wants but everyone will  act grateful for. That’d be alright if every five minutes someone in the family didn’t want something from me. I’d love to get some sleep. Just a ten-minute power nap but Noooo! My niece wants me to play house with her, my dad needs help getting the firewood inside, my mom wants us to decorate the Christmas tree together, just so that she can complain to me that my dad has, once again, bought a spruce instead of a fir tree. My nephew is simply a pain in the ass and my brother wants to play board games. Because he’s bored. To make matters worse, my cousin threw up all night long and while everybody is playing it down, I can already see me bending over a bucket full of half-digested roast beef with potatoes on the side. They all say he just ate a bad piece of stollen but I know an immune response to E. coli bacteria if I see one.

So while they’re busy throwing up, busy playing house and decorating the tree, I’m still in my room, still wrapping presents and still stressed. But now I’ve also pissed off half of my family for not participating. The only two who are not angry with me are my nephew, who is now arguing with my brother-in-law about the meaning of the phrase “no chocolate before dinner”, and my cousin. ‘Cause well, you know… He’s too distracted to care much about what I’m doing right now. Meanwhile, my mom managed to clog the kitchen drain with two days’ worth of leftovers and while she was busy scrapping soggy peas and carrots out of the sink, the turkey in the oven spontaneously combusted, which is why the smoke detector went off. Nobody knows why exactly it beeps the melody of deck the halls but they’re too occupied with getting cousin Denis out of the room, who in an attempt to help my mom putting out the flames threw up over the fire extinguisher, the coffee machine and my nephew, who is now giggling amusedly at the sight of his father’s agonizing groan.

After all these calamities, someone has to walk the dog, someone has to sweep the kitchen floor, which is now completely covered in foam and stomach acid, and someone really ought to consider taking a shower before the festivities. This someone has now wrapped three and a half presents and is sitting here seriously considering immigrating to Sweden. At least I’d have a white Christmas there. So in the spirit of the annual nightmare: happy holidays! I love all of you.

Author & Picture: Yo Vogel